In a hole in a Bridge, there lived an Audrey. Not a nasty, dirty, wet Bridge, filled with cobwebs and bird poo, nor a dry bare Bridge with nothing in it to sit down on or to eat. It was a TonBridge, and that means comfort.
By some curious chance, just the other day in the quiet of Tonbridge, where there was less noise and more green, Audrey was standing at the door after breakfast eating an enormous chocolate ice cream, when a wizard came by!
The Wizard Neil, if you only knew a quarter of what I know about him, and I only know very little of all there is to know, you would be prepared for any sort of remarkable tale. Tales of adventures sprouted up all over the place wherever he went, in the most extraordinary fashion.
This particular Wizard had a very important place on our little island. It was his sworn duty and his life’s work to protect all the castles and the treasures, the fortresses and the fountains, the tombs and the tunnels, the sites steeped in magic and myth, and the places that made us who we are today.
In his spare time, the Wizard Neil also doubled as the executive director of the Council for British Archaeology. He had not been down this way for ages and ages, but on this particular morning, he was looking for someone to share in an adventure he was arranging.
Though apprehensive at first, Audrey’s undeniable thirst for adventure could not be quelled, and along with some short-hairy companions (Myself and Bramble) and a beautiful elfish princess (Emily Archaeomum) we set out on a quest that would be remembered for... days at least!
The quest was plunged into peril almost immediately. Not too far from home, as we wandered into the mysterious wild, the expedition was ambushed by a gang of greedy trolls. These creatures, we learned, were keen to gobble up the funds of archaeological academia. Several victims had already suffered the fatal consequences of these gluttonous ghouls. Thankfully, the wise Wizard Neil knew of a cunning plan to confuse the foolish trolls. An intrepid band of warriors from the north, led by Courageous Chloe and Dashing David had drawn up a troll-busting manifesto. Neil set the plan in motion and as the trolls argued amongst themselves, the sun rose on the brutish beasts and their greedy schemes turned to stone and crumbled to dust.
The Wizard Neil led us to a stunning elfish paradise on a mountain top. Here an elder elf revealed certain secrets to assist us on our adventure. She told us of the magical Cobham Wood Mausoleum. This ancient mausoleum had been forged by great Dwarf architects, to hold the mortal remains of the Earls of Darnley beneath a vast stone pyramid. It was a construction that had cost the riches of a kingdom to create, yet the gods did not approve of the tomb, deeming it too beautiful for the earth and so cursed the mausoleum. It remained empty of humans for all eternity and this is why the Elves had made it their home, safe from interruption.
We continued on our adventure, finding ourselves plunged into the depths of darkness beneath misty mountains. This perilous corrupt underworld was suffocating. Goblins roamed here, governing by fear. These vile creatures had once been just like us, but greed and selfish ambition had corrupted their souls. They had severed ties with the continent during the famed Orxit ordeal, demoralising the heart of the nation and its workforce. The Goblins had us surrounded. It was only with the most powerful of magic that the wise Wizard Neil was able to rescue us from these fiends, blinding the foes with the crystal of common sense; we were just able to flee.
Audrey found herself alone during the melee. In the midnight labyrinth of mountain passageways, she discovered a tiny circular treasure, a gleaming ring with the gift of invisibility. Unsure what to do with the treasure she slipped it into her pocket before continuing through the maze, where she stumbled upon a rare and desperate being. This strange and reclusive creature challenged Audrey to a game of riddles but had treachery in mind.
“How can the past benefit present and future generations?” it asked.
Fortunately, Audrey had a quick mind and clever wit.
“Archaeology unearths new information on our past, improves the ties to our heritage, and provides economic means for our future” she replied.
Having solved the rapscallion’s riddles, she countered with one of her own.
“Why is the wealth of a few worth more than the heritage of so many?”
The creature was stunned. It agonisingly wailed in lament, having no answer. Audrey used the confused breakdown to escape from its cruel clutches and sped from the mountain.
Much to our joy, Audrey appeared safely from the mountains and embraced us ecstatically. We had barely escaped the gruesome goblin horde and their wicked wolf companions but were pursued by them in our flight through the wild. Had it not been for the asylum of a skin-changing Great Beer... Seller, we might have been lost. The refuge was homely and warm, with very welcome refreshments and the safety and security of our mysterious host. We enjoyed a chance to relax and make plans for the future of the expedition. Audrey danced and sang in the welcome warmth. It was precisely what we needed, but our quest called, so after a brief break, we set off again.
We found ourselves in a dense murky wood. The trees were close and claustrophobic, light danced between the branches, causing all kinds of tricks to play out before our eyes. Audrey dashed this way and that, splashing in the haunting mirror-like pools and trampling the swampy squishy mud. Despite Bramble’s close guard, danger approached. A tangle of webs had been spun upon the ancient trunks of archaeological investigation. Together, they formed an illusion that archaeology was a barrier to development. It was a complex fabrication by villainous creatures desperate to ensnare us in their trap and suck away our life.
Fortunately, Audrey was equal to their cunning and had etched incantations into powerful amulet stones, such as Archaeology makes up just 0.13 % of all construction spending, making it a tiny expense and professional archaeological intervention at an early stage prevents delays and saves up to £1.3 billion for construction companies. Slipping on her magic ring, she launched the stones at the spiders. One was a direct hit! It read, fewer than 0.01 % of planning applications are rejected for reasons including archaeology: archaeology is almost never the sole reason that construction does not take place. Audrey bravely led the spiders away and came back to rescue us from the tangle of their deceptive webs.
After a tricky tussle with some wood elves and a brief stop for ice cream in the lake village of the humans, we finally reached the Lonely Mountain of Tonbridge, the Dragon’s lair. The Wizard Neil directed us through the winding passageways to the heart of the lair, where Audrey discovered the dozing demon upon its treasure horde. The dragon, Jaycubri Smaug, was a most specially greedy, strong, and wicked worm. Audrey was not afraid and with the deft and nimble skill of a burglar, she crept into the lair and discovered the weakness of the hideous dragon, its yellow belly!
In fury, Jaycubri Smaug rose into the thunderous skies and threatened destruction on all of archaeology forevermore. From its flared nostrils, it shot scorching plumes of planning permissions and budget cuts. The world cowered in fright at this fearsome beast; heritage teetered on the brink of defeat... until a hero emerged!
The Brave Bard of Backfill and brand new Council for British Archaeology President, Raksha, fired a single direct arrow into the foul yellow belly of the dragon, ending its cruel reign of terror once and for all, practically saving archaeology and heritage in a single stroke!
There was no time for celebration, however, as the evil armies of governing goblins and wicked wolves were fast approaching. Their swelling numbers seemed immeasurable, their threat impossible to withstand.
Only the joint strength of three great armies prevailed. The commercial, community, and academic armies combined their efforts, and together with the Wizard Neil, Heroic Raksha, Courageous Chloe, and Dashing David, we fought hard and won the day. A powerful symbol of a just cause, the battle of these five armies highlighted Commercial archaeology’s contribution of almost £250 million to the economy. With the famous blade of heritage tourism, they supported 386,000 jobs, contributing over £20 billion to the UK's GDP, constantly reinvigorated by fresh archaeological discoveries. It was a famous victory that would be sung by poets and troubadours in tantalising tales for all time.
Exhausted but victorious, it was time for us to head for home. We said fond goodbyes to new friends and old and bid farewell to the wise Wizard Neil, who promised to return and enjoy our next Archaeofam adventures. Audrey looked puzzled.
“You know of our adventures?” she asked
“You don’t really suppose, do you, that all your adventures and escapes were managed by mere luck, just for your sole benefit? You are a very fine person, Audrey Archaeobeeb, and I am very fond of you; but you are only quite a little fellow in a wide world after all!"
"Thank goodness!" said Audrey laughing, and handed him an ice cream.
It had been a most wondrous expedition for a brave little burglar, who slept soundly in her bed, dreaming of the safe and accessible heritage of her little island home.
From our Archaeofam to yours,
Namárië
